In the period after a significant loss, everything becomes a milestone.

It’s been 24 hours since they died.

It’s been a week.

It’s been a month.

It’s three months since he went into hospital.

It’s six months since the funeral.

It’s my first birthday without her.

This would’ve been my due date.

This time last year we were going on holiday / moving in together / celebrating our anniversary.

Time takes on a whole new meaning. It goes painfully slowly and scarily fast. The year anniversary of a death seems to hold so much weight. Many see it as something to achieve – I just need to get through the first year.  Some lament the passing of time – I can’t believe I haven’t spoken to him for so long. Grief can intensify when faced with these dates on the calendar.

There is little we can do to make these moments less painful. It hurts because we love. Grief is the price we pay, as a wise man once said. However, it is worth thinking about how we would like to honour these dates. Being intentional about what we do, who we spend the day with and how we remember the ones we’ve lost can help anchor us and allow us to grieve well.

There are some important things to remember when it comes to looking after yourself during these times.

• For many, the lead up to an anniversary can be particularly hard. Go easy on yourself. Lean on others when you can and give yourself what you need. When the day itself comes around, it often doesn’t feel quite as painful as you expected. If it does, that’s OK. This too shall pass.
• Reminders are everywhere, especially around Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day etc. There are options to unsubscribe from emails and adverts promoting these days. It can be helpful to remember you are not alone in your feelings of sadness. For every person buying a Mother’s Day card, there is someone else wishing they could.
• The significance of dates might mean more to you than they do to others, and vice versa. Everyone grieves differently, even two people grieving the same person. If an upcoming date feels important or difficult for you, share it with your support network, a bereavement group or a counsellor.
• Think about how to mark the day. You get to decide how you want to spend your time, even if it’s just for 20 minutes in the evening after work. Go for a walk in nature, listen to their favourite song, prepare and share a meal they loved, visit their grave, write them a letter. Talk about them, watch old videos, or just sit in silence. Whatever you do, take the time to acknowledge them, and your grief.
• Please be kind to yourself, and remember, if your grief feels too painful to face then it may be helpful to talk to a bereavement counsellor. You don't need to do this alone.