A client who had lost her husband recently shared with me that she still speaks to him every day. She chats to him when she’s pottering around the house, while she’s getting ready for bed. She kisses his photo and says goodnight to him. She told me this as if she was in confession – there was a real sense of shame in not being able to ‘let go.’ A worry that what she was doing was strange or wrong in some way. But this client showed no signs of being stuck in her grief – she was socialising, she had joined an art group, she was expressing her emotions to me and to close friends. She showed many signs of being someone who was moving forward with her grief. Somewhere along the line however, she had picked up the idea that grieving involves the ending of a relationship – letting go and moving on.

Now of course in many ways, it is the end of a relationship. It’s important to move towards acceptance that that person is no longer physically present in your life. To resist this truth can make the grieving process more challenging and complicated. But the love, the memories and the connection live on. In most cases, the relationship with that person has shaped or changed who you are, and therefore that person lives on in you. You may have children together – and therefore see their features in your child’s face or hear them in the jokes you share. If you shared a home, you might see them in their favourite chair or using their special cup. In these ways they are very much still with you.

The Continuing Bonds theory, put forward by Klass, Silverman and Nickman in 1996, suggests that maintaining a meaningful connection with your loved one after they die is a natural way to experience loss. It can provide comfort to those who are grieving and reduce the sense of loneliness. Rather than ending, it sees the relationship as evolving over time. To me this is a much more gentle way to navigate grief – rather than the ‘stiff upper lip’ approach where one must cut all ties with the deceased.

There are several ways in which people might maintain these continuing bonds with their loved one;

• Talking to them, writing them letters or texting them.
• Keeping something of theirs and wearing or holding it – a necklace, a jumper, a favourite book.
• Celebrating birthdays and anniversaries.
• Listening to their favourite song or watching their favourite film.
• Revisiting places they loved – a country, a city, or just a bench by the river.
• Looking at old photos and videos.

Engaging in these activities can be a natural way of healing – they help you to acknowledge the love you had for that person and remember the part they played in your life. They are not something to feel guilty or ashamed of. The person you love may be gone, but the love is not.