Someone commented on a recent post of mine, saying they find it sad that bereavement counselling is a thing, and that society is going to hell in a handbasket (or words to that effect) if we can’t rely on family and friends for support when someone dies. Now, while it might be great for us to be able to simply lean on our loved ones when experiencing bereavement, there are several reasons why that’s not always possible, or the best course of action. Here are some ways bereavement counselling helps:
- Saying what you wouldn’t say to family / friends.
‘Mum’s doing my head in.’ ‘Sometimes I feel relieved he’s gone. ‘I don’t want to attend the memorial.’ ‘I wonder if I’ll ever feel ok again.’ There are certain things we don’t want to say to those we love. We don’t want to shock, offend or worry them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having these thoughts or opinions, and it can be helpful to express them. A good bereavement counsellor will help you feel safe enough to express yourself without judgement or tricky repercussions.
- Talking to someone who doesn’t try to ‘make you feel better.’
‘I could have done more to help her – I feel responsible for her death.’ Sometimes we need to say how we feel, without people trying to rescue us. A client of mine once told me about her feelings of guilt after a friend’s suicide. She told me that every time she tried to talk about her guilt with her friends, they shushed her and told her she was being ridiculous. All feelings are valid in counselling. We can explore those feelings together - they will never be dismissed.
- Others aren’t equipped to handle it.
Sometimes, despite their best efforts, your friends and family just don’t know how to help. They can’t understand why you’re still struggling so much. They say the wrong thing. Maybe they’re dealing with their own grief. A good bereavement counsellor has the appropriate training and skills to be able to hold you and your grief. They are experienced in helping people through the complex emotions grief can bring. They may also use models of grief to support you and help you feel less alone.
- Release the pressure.
More often than not, my first session with a client involves me saying and doing very little! Clients often talk and talk, sometimes shout and often cry – barely stopping for breath. Before we know it, 50 minutes have gone by. They come back the following week, reporting having felt utterly exhausted after the first session, but also as if a huge weight has been lifted. It’s as if they’ve been carrying their grief around on their back, and they finally have somewhere to put it down for a while.
- The reparative relationship.
A term coined by Petruska Clarkson in 1990 – the reparative relationship describes when a counsellor acts in the role of a ‘parent figure,’ modelling a healthy way of being with the client. If someone has been told that ‘men don’t cry,’ a counsellor can help them see that expressing emotion is healthy and natural, by accepting and showing care for the client when they show emotion. If someone is taught that anger is ‘wrong’ and has been rejected or silenced in the past when expressing anger, a counsellor can sit with them while they vent and rage, showing them this too is a natural human emotion and nothing to be ashamed of.
- A fresh perspective.
‘He doesn’t want to talk about it,’ a client recently told me about her son, a few months after her husband / his father had died. She was craving connection, but had never really had ‘that kind of relationship’ with her boy. We explored this assumption together, and after some gentle prompting, she discovered that the son did in fact want to talk about his grief, but was worried about upsetting his mum. Sometimes it takes a person outside the family to help you see things in a different way.
These are just a few of the many ways bereavement counselling can help you when you’re grieving. Unfortunately, for some, there is still a stigma attached to seeking professional help. My hope is that, as a society, we come to accept that it’s ok to not be ok when someone dies. Seeking support is a way of showing yourself compassion, and a healthy way of managing one of the most difficult things we experience.