When you are going through a bereavement, taking steps to look after yourself is often the last thing on your mind. Especially in the early days, when you might still be reeling from the shock, working through the endless death-admin and struggling to make sense of your new reality. When working with bereaved clients, I like to check in and find out whether they are taking care of the basics – what they’re eating, how much they are moving, and how well they are sleeping. I like to remind people that when you are struggling with grief, you are not well. It takes its toll mentally and physically, and it’s important to treat yourself in the same way you would if you were suffering from an illness or injury – with gentle care and compassion. In this post, we’ll look at some small ways you can take care of yourself at a time when you need it the most. The focus here is on the word ‘small.’ The last thing you need after a loss is a load of pressure to ‘smash your fitness goals’ or try 100 different recipes involving kale. Tiny changes to how you eat, move and sleep can make a big impact.
*If you are seriously concerned about any aspect of your health (physical or mental) in the wake of the loss of a loved one, please go and see your doctor. This blog does not constitute professional medical advice.
Eating
Food can already be a complicated subject for many of us, even when we are not grieving. Tendencies to overeat for comfort can be exacerbated, as can issues around restriction and other forms of disordered eating. It bears repeating – compassion is key here. I like to imagine what I would feed a child, or a friend who is going through a difficult time. Regular meals, whole foods where possible, dishes you enjoy. Eating well looks different for everyone. For some, you might lose your appetite completely, and simply managing a bowl of Shreddies might feel like a win. For others, you might turn to carbs for comfort, and self-care might involve managing portion-size or throwing some veggies in your pasta. Feeding yourself well can help stabilise your mood, give you the energy you need to help you manage your grief, and can support your immune function. Take a moment to look at what you are feeding yourself and decide if it is nourishing you. If not, what tiny, manageable change can you make for the better?
Moving
As with food, movement can be a complex issue for people at the best of times. Note that I use the term ‘movement’ rather than ‘exercise.’ The word exercise can feel very loaded and add extra pressure at a time when we need life to be as pressure-free as possible! Clients often tell me they feel ‘stuck’ in their grief, and the antidote to stuckness is movement. You might try some gentle stretching or yoga – get into your body for a while and out of your head. Rhythmic and repetitive movement like swimming or cycling can improve emotional regulation and reduce anxiety. But the simplest and most effective option I have found is a good old walk. A bracing hike in the hills or a ten-minute stroll around the block, the benefits of walking are innumerable and can help you feel, even in a small way, that you are moving forward.
Sleeping
Sleep can be a real issue for people struggling with a loss. Bedtime is often the time of day when the world is quiet enough to hear our thoughts – and those thoughts can be anything but relaxing. We might find ourselves plagued with memories of the person we’ve lost or worries about what the future looks like and how this lack of sleep will make us feel tomorrow… and when we do eventually fall asleep, we can experience vivid dreams or nightmares. A quick internet search of the phrase ‘sleep hygiene’ will produce a multitude of tips on caffeine intake, limiting phone use in bed, supplements and making sure you create the right environment for sleep (cool dark room, warm bed). These tips can make a big difference. I would add to the list that journalling your thoughts before you go to sleep can help restore a bit of order to your frazzled mind – seeing the words on the page can take away some of their power. It can also be useful to keep in mind that this is temporary – your body will sleep when it’s ready, and you are experiencing the benefits of rest by simply resting, even if you’re not asleep. Getting out of bed to go and make a warm drink or sit in another room for a short while can break that cycle of rumination and help you drift off more easily. But, as with eating and moving, the main thing to keep in mind here is self-compassion. I often hear people beating themselves up for doom-scrolling late into the night or not being able to ‘switch their brains off.’ Please remember that you (and your brain) are doing what you need to do to survive, and be kind. This too shall pass.
One of the great things about making a small change to your lifestyle in one of these areas is that it tends to have a positive impact on the others. A gentle walk will calm your racing thoughts and can help you sleep better. Eating some leafy greens, almonds or walnuts will provide magnesium and help regulate your sleep cycle. Feeling a little more rested will help give you the motivation to nourish yourself properly the next day.
With that in mind, what tiny change can you make today to help you as you navigate through your grief? It might have more of an impact than you expect.