The idea of ‘being a burden’ has come up with almost every client I have worked with. The idea that your grief is too much, too heavy, too sad. You keep going over old ground. You should be feeling better by now.

I like to check with clients what they mean by ‘burden’ in this context. The most common answer is that they don’t want their grief to be a problem for their family and friends. That those people have ‘done their bit.’ They were there in the beginning; helping with the funeral arrangements, bringing round meals, checking in regularly… but that’s enough now. It’s time to stand on their own two feet. Stop asking for help. Stop talking about it.

Another reason people don’t want to share or talk about their grief is out of fear of upsetting others who are also grieving. If she’s going through a good spell, why would I want to bring her down? If he’s feeling low, why would I want to make it worse? The problem with this, of course, is that grief doesn’t have a timeline. This means people often stop asking for help long before they are ready to.

Grief can be such a lonely experience. Nobody will ever really understand what it’s like to be you, losing that person, because every bereavement and every relationship is different. Keeping all of that sadness, pain and fear to yourself can really reinforce that feeling of loneliness.

I find that a lot of the time, clients make assumptions about their support network. They assume people are bored of their grief or they’ll ‘bring the mood down.’ This reluctance to ‘be a burden’ often has people pretending that they’re doing better than they are, which means the offers of support can dry up. What is really helpful in these situations is honest communication. A simple ‘do you mind if we talk about him for a bit?’ Or ‘I’m struggling this week, are you free for a coffee?’ Or ‘I found some old photos of Mum - could you spare some time to go through them with me?’ You’d be surprised how much of a relief it is to be asked for help like this. More often than not, family and friends want to support you, but they have no idea how, and are scared to ask!

One client recently plucked up the courage to talk to her son about the grief of losing her husband, only to find that he too was desperate to be able to talk about his dad, but didn’t want to upset her. That shared experience gave them both so much comfort and helped lighten the load.

It’s important to talk about the person you’ve lost. To say their name, to remember them, to express what you are feeling. If you really feel that you can’t share with the people in your life, see if there’s a local bereavement group in your area. It doesn’t matter how recent or longstanding your bereavement is, you don’t have to go through it alone.